Want, Truly

There have been a select few things that I have wanted, truly wanted, in my life. Of course there are the little things that I thought I "wanted" (toys, clothes, etc.), but very rarely have I felt the feeling of true want.

The first time I can recall "wanting" just so happens to also be my earliest memory. I can recall a certain saltiness to the air (which can be attributed to the fact that we were staying at the beach) and everything being strikingly bright. The visual that I call to mind is a yellow sign with a black arrow pointing up. We were stopped at a bridge that had separated to allow a boat passage. I distinctly remember that we had been sitting there for the equivalent of about five eternities when my little three-year-old self could no longer take it. Overcome with hunger, I began crying and yelled "EEEEAAAAAAATTTTTT!"

The second instance of "want" that I can recall (which comes from my more recent past) was my baby, Salem. The second I stepped onto my grandmother's porch and saw that little black ball of fur and he looked up and mewed at me, I knew I was his, and he was mine. I crouched beside the cage and simply said, "Hello, Salem." We went to my grandmother's home to eat Mother's Day lunch. We left with Salem, who is now right around two years old.

The third time I "wanted" is now. As I have stated in previous blog posts, I have applied to the Governor's School for Mathematics and Science, and up to about a few days ago, it was something I "wanted" and didn't really want. Don't get me wrong, it was something I wanted, but it was more of a numb want. It seemed so far away, a time reserved for junior me, and I was still just a sophomore, not a care in the world. When my friends who applied to the Governor's School for Arts and Humanities got their acceptance letters, it awakened something in me. I looked at my calendar and realized, 'hey, I'm only going to be a sophomore for another two months, and then everything is going to change.'

And I realized how desperately I wanted, truly wanted to be a Govie, one of the few, the elite, the Chosen Ones. What was once a numb ache has morphed into a new beast entirely. I now hurt for this, and that is truly wanting. It used to be that I would think of it every now and again in passing, but now it is at the front of my mind, constantly there, constantly gnawing at me, capturing my full attention.

In class. At night, trying to go to sleep. Doing homework. Taking a shower. Cooking. Cleaning. Organizing. Eating.

No matter what I do, it is there, and I can't make it go away.

I fear that my only cure at this point is May 1st. The day of the Decisions.

Wish me luck.

'Til Tomorrow,

--A